comatose

There are days where I feel obligated to do things, feel like I need to because it will relieve stress, but completing the task itself seems so stressful that I sit there wondering what I should do. Put it off for another day and continue to relax? Do it now, get it over with and be tired and stressed in the process?

Summer, for me, is a time where I can catch up on everything I missed out on during the school year. In summer I finally have time to read, finally have time to experiment with new makeup, finally have time to SLEEP, and finally have time to go out with friends and have fun. So naturally of course when it comes to something like cleaning or any other activity that makes me want to to vomit, like conditioning for soccer (which could quite literally make me vomit), I just don't feel like doing it. I mean, I finally have time for fun, and when having fun is all I want to do, completing tasks that don't make me happy is hard and usually never get completed.

The point of this whole rant is that as I am typing this, I should be cleaning my room. Actually, I should've cleaned my room earlier today, when the sun was still out, or earlier in the week when I was at home doing absolutely nothing. And after cleaning my room, I should be packing my stuff for vacation, which I'll be leaving my house for in approximately 11 hours.

But I just can't muster up the willpower or determination or mental capability to force myself off of the Internet, off of my couch, and just start shoving things back in place in my room or hastily piling stuff into a suitcase, and quite frankly, it's ridiculous. I know, it's also ridiculous that I am aware of how ridiculous these situations are yet I don't do anything to change the fact, but that's the problem. I can't. I am one hell of a procrastinator, and if procrastination was in the form of a drug, I'd be addicted to that shit. 

Isn't it fascinating that something so seemingly small to some people can be a huge deal to others? I noticed that a lot during my freshman year of high school. For example, completing my homework in under three hours would be a near blessing for me, but for some of my fellow classmates, completing the same homework would take under an hour. This frustrates the hell out of me. And knowing that I take things so insignificant like cleaning my room and packing for vacation and turn them into complex ordeals also torments me. I'm not good at a lot of things, but things that are so mundane and universally easy for the majority of the population to complete should not eternally be a challenge for me. It'll take time, but hopefully I'll find more motivation in these little things. 

This is a weird and long rant-ish post so I'll end it here. If anyone else can relate, you know the struggle.

-Mikayla